She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
