We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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