theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
