i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
