I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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