then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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