I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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