Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
