i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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