Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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