When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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