I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
