He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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