if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
