You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
