Plan B is the new Plan A
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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