Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
