I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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