New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
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So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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