she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
