were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
