that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
