i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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