Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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