bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
