This house was built for laser tag.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
