When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
