i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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