and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
