Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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