I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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