and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
