Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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