Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?