Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?