Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
