i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
