if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
People in love make me want to vomit
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
