Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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