i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
