We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
