I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
