Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
