I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
