hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
