Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
