there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Pooping to opera.
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