so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
