Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
