In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
