My room smells like vodka and shame
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
