Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
