I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
