i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
