i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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