A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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