I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
