I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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